Sunday Evening

Hello there. Been a while but tonight seemed right. I'm staying busy and am actually going to take a vacation next week. I'm going to Michigan for six days to visit with my children. My great friend, "Aunt Nancy," has the doggie/kitty duty while I'm gone. She's such a good "mommie." She loves to groom them and spends a lot of time with them. She is able to understand the bond I have with them and them with me. Pepper, my German Shepard, has already figured out something is up. She will not leave my side. She watched me pack up a box of clothes (I FEDEX my stuff - don't trust the airline), and she has been cocking her head and looking intently at me ever since. What a keen intellect she has. My thoughts are with all of you . . .remember to NEVER GIVE UP! Mark's spirit watches over us all.

A Lazy Saturday Afternoon

I haven't been here for quite a while. Not that much has changed or that life is keeping me any busier than before . . .I just haven't felt I had much to share. I have immersed myself in my work and in the ever-increasing task of taking care of four very needy dogs. It's not that I don't love them, but my goodness, they require a great deal of energy. All four of the poor darlings have been invaded by fleas and even doing everything I know how to do, I'm not winning the war yet. It means bathing somebody every day, sweeping even more than usual, and making special dietary changes in an effort to combat the darned little vermin. Today was Honey's turn at a bath. She's a older Golden. My friend, Nancy, and I (well, mostly Nancy) trimmed all her fur down very close. Poor baby - she looks like a lamb or worse, like "my first day at groomer's school." But, it does seem to help us get to the fleas better with the sprays and the shampoo. What I really need is for a few days of really cold temperatures . . that will kill the buggers. But, that's not going to happen for many months.

I haven't heard from Mark's family much lately, with the sweet exception of his cousin Steven and wife Lea, who I have grown very close to. I know Mark's mother was having an extremely difficult time with all that has happened and maybe it's easier for her to distance herself. I want what's best for her. I am still trying to adjust to being alone. It's hard. I really miss my best friend, my tv buddy and my movie/music critic. It's hard to watch a movie and not think how much Mark would laugh at my crying in the sad/sweet parts; or to watch one that I just know he would have loved! Same with music. I bought the newly released 40th anniversary edition of Woodstock. I so wish I could share that with him. That was a defining moment in his life. Well, all that said, I'll watch it and enjoy it and remember that beautiful smile and twinkling eyes. It will be all right. NEVER GIVE UP!

Sunday Evening

Today, I stepped back a little bit into life by doing something I loved and Mark was proud of me for doing. I used to cater and had a little home-based business where I cooked dinner for a small group at the host's home, preparing, serving and cleaning up afterwards. I absolutely love to cook and Mark was my best recipe taste tester. Tonight I made dinner for my friends who have been so very supportive of me in the last few months, as a way to say thank you, but more importantly to say I love you. I made them citrus/honey marinated pork roast with blueberry chipolte sauce, lemon pepper orzo, citrus/sesame grilled asparagus, and toasted pound cake with chocolate sauce and strawberries. I had a wonderful time doing it and it felt good to do something so good for people I care about. Every little step helps. Love to you all!

A Time to Remember

On May 11th, I attended a service that Hospice holds once a year called A Time To Remember. I thought I'd share with you all one of the readings from that service that meant a great deal to me:
We Light These Candles

by Nancy Moeller, LSE, CADC


We light these candles for our sadness.

The pain of losing you is intense and

the grief we feel is often hard to handle.

We want you to know

that we miss you so much.



We light these candles for our memories.

There is so much we remember:

your smile, your laugh -

the good time and the bad ones, too,

when we were angry and we were happy -

all those times that

never could have lived with

anyone but you.



We light these candles

for our determination.

Knowing you has brought us strength.

We are changed because of you.

Your life has made a

difference in our lives.

We want you to know that we will

take the energy of your living

to help us move on forward

in our own lives.



We light these candles for our love.

The specialness that we shared with you

can never be replaced.

Our love for you will shine

as brightly as these candles.

We will pass that love on to others

and as we do,

our hearts will smile because of you.

We want you to know

we will always love you.


Rebecca

A Quiet Friday Night

It's been a long time since I came here to write. I felt the need tonight. I am so sad of late. I have so many people I could talk to about it, so many friends who would listen and understand. But, I just can't seem to do that. It's easier for me to come here. The quiet of the house seems to surround me more and more every day. I sit at night and just listen. I don't know exactly what I'm listening for, but I know I feel the tears and hear my broken heart beating. I miss Mark so much. I know that time will heal me, but right now, I feel wounded. I guess I just needed to write that down. I also know I'll be ok - I am a strong person. I just don't feel really strong right now. Hello to all who might read this - my prayers still include all the people who visited here and who have suffering of their own. Don't forget to NEVER GIVE UP!

Monday Evening

Hi all. I wanted to share yesterday's butterfly release service with you. I was joined by 12 of Mark's friends and family at the beautiful service in Cambier Park, Naples, Florida. There were a couple hundred people there for the service. There was beautiful music and readings. The names of many, many victims of cancer were read in remembrance. Then, we all turned and watched as the walls of the butterfly tent were raised and the graceful creatures fluttered around and away. I was fortunate enough to have one land on my arm and, even when I encouraged it to go on, it stayed a while. I will share with each of you the blessing read at the conclusion of the service: May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun
and find your shoulder to light on,
To bring you luck, happiness and riches
Today, tomorrow and beyond.

Following the formal service, my friends and I gathered in a quiet corner and Mark's cousin Steven recited the Jewish mourners' prayer, Kaddish, for us. Mark had asked that be done and this was perfect occasion. I think everyone left with a sense of peace. I know I did. My love to each of you.

Friday Night

I'm not too sure if anybody stops by here anymore, but I'm posting this for anyone who does and more importantly, to unburden my heart. I received word tonight that Mark's father passed away this morning. Alan Plotkin turned 93 years old last Saturday. He lived a long, full and amazing life. He was a loving husband and father to three children. He has grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Mark told me many stories of his incredible skills as a carpenter. He was a life-long Yankees fan and never missed a game. While his family will miss him so very much, I know they are all celebrating the wonderful life they shared with him for 93 years. My thoughts are with Mark's mother and siblings tonight.

This week was tremendously hard for me. Of all the holidays I won't share with my husband again, Wednesday was the day when I felt the loneliness of his being gone the most and I think it will always be the day when I miss him most. Wednesday was our 8th wedding anniversary. I married my best friend eight years ago and I am grateful for every day of those eight years. Well, lets be honest here - there were some days when I just wanted to pop him, but all in all, I wouldn't trade even those days for my considerable weight in gold. What most of you don't know is that Mark had asked me back in October if we could renew our wedding vows on our anniversary this year. He wanted to share with our friends the joy of that day eight years ago and to renew our public acclamation of affection for each other. I have solace in the knowledge that in fact, we renewed our vows every day we were together. Every night, our last words were "I love you." Yes, Mark, I will marry you again. I love you with all my heart.