Merry Christmas!

My prayer for you is that you have a Merry Christmas and a blessed and proporous 2010. My love to all of you and my prayers that you are happy and healthy. My prayers for the greiving and those in pain. Lord, hear my prayer. Touch those whose needs are both great and small. Thank you, God, for my friends and loved ones. Amen.

Saturday Night

I visited the blog today for the first time since I posted last. I was so touched to see the comments of all who visited. Jennifer, I did go to your blog and you have touched my heart. This week was so very hard for me. I feel enveloped in sadness. But, I understand the grieving process. I will be alright. It is okay to feel sad - I miss Mark so very much. But I also know it was the anniversary of the end of his pain and suffering and that is a good anniversary to remember. I love you all. Thanks you again and again for stopping by here. Please remember there is joy in this season, remembering God loves us all and gave us Christ as the first "Christmas present."

Three Days Until Thanksgiving

This will be a very difficult time of the year for me. But, I have beautiful memories of Thanksgiving last year. Mark's cousin, Steve, and Lea, his beautiful wife, have become closer to me over the last year and they will be sharing this holiday with me. Steve's infamous collard greens were the only thing Mark was able to eat last year, but he loved them so much, he had to try. Nancy will be joining us and we have a scrumptious menu planned. Avow Hospice still sends me the most wonderful mailings and they have sent one that they encourage me to use for the up-coming holiday season. I plan to. I'm going to share it with you - anyone who has a loved one missing from their holiday table can honor the memory so beautifully with this:

Have four candles ready to light and if you can, have family or friends participate with you.

Start by saying: " As we light these candles in honor of our loved one, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories and one for our love.

Light the first candle and say "The light of this first candle represents our grief. The pain of our loss is intense, bu it reminds us of the depth of our love for ________ (your loved one).

Light the second candle and say "The light of this candle represents our courage to confront our sorrow; to comfort each other; to change our lives.

Light the third candle and say "This third candle is a light to all of our memories of ______. To the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things we did, the caring and joy _______ gave us.

Light the fourth candle and say "This fourth candle is the light of our love. As we enter this holiday season, day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for ___________. We give thanks for the gift his/her life brought to each of us. We will always love him/her.

This was written by Nancy Moeller, LSW, CADC.

There is not a day that passes that I don't either aloud or silently talk with Mark, and tell him how very much I miss him. The tears are as close to falling today as they were nearly a year ago. I have been angry with myself for not doing more to show him how wonderfully special he was to me; I have been sad beyond words at my loneliness without him. But, I am so grateful I had the opportunity to share nearly eight years of marriage with such a loving, kind man. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward; but there is no distance between me and this man I love.

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. May your table be bountiful and your hearts full of joy and love.

Rebecca

Sunday Evening

Hello there. Been a while but tonight seemed right. I'm staying busy and am actually going to take a vacation next week. I'm going to Michigan for six days to visit with my children. My great friend, "Aunt Nancy," has the doggie/kitty duty while I'm gone. She's such a good "mommie." She loves to groom them and spends a lot of time with them. She is able to understand the bond I have with them and them with me. Pepper, my German Shepard, has already figured out something is up. She will not leave my side. She watched me pack up a box of clothes (I FEDEX my stuff - don't trust the airline), and she has been cocking her head and looking intently at me ever since. What a keen intellect she has. My thoughts are with all of you . . .remember to NEVER GIVE UP! Mark's spirit watches over us all.

A Lazy Saturday Afternoon

I haven't been here for quite a while. Not that much has changed or that life is keeping me any busier than before . . .I just haven't felt I had much to share. I have immersed myself in my work and in the ever-increasing task of taking care of four very needy dogs. It's not that I don't love them, but my goodness, they require a great deal of energy. All four of the poor darlings have been invaded by fleas and even doing everything I know how to do, I'm not winning the war yet. It means bathing somebody every day, sweeping even more than usual, and making special dietary changes in an effort to combat the darned little vermin. Today was Honey's turn at a bath. She's a older Golden. My friend, Nancy, and I (well, mostly Nancy) trimmed all her fur down very close. Poor baby - she looks like a lamb or worse, like "my first day at groomer's school." But, it does seem to help us get to the fleas better with the sprays and the shampoo. What I really need is for a few days of really cold temperatures . . that will kill the buggers. But, that's not going to happen for many months.

I haven't heard from Mark's family much lately, with the sweet exception of his cousin Steven and wife Lea, who I have grown very close to. I know Mark's mother was having an extremely difficult time with all that has happened and maybe it's easier for her to distance herself. I want what's best for her. I am still trying to adjust to being alone. It's hard. I really miss my best friend, my tv buddy and my movie/music critic. It's hard to watch a movie and not think how much Mark would laugh at my crying in the sad/sweet parts; or to watch one that I just know he would have loved! Same with music. I bought the newly released 40th anniversary edition of Woodstock. I so wish I could share that with him. That was a defining moment in his life. Well, all that said, I'll watch it and enjoy it and remember that beautiful smile and twinkling eyes. It will be all right. NEVER GIVE UP!

Sunday Evening

Today, I stepped back a little bit into life by doing something I loved and Mark was proud of me for doing. I used to cater and had a little home-based business where I cooked dinner for a small group at the host's home, preparing, serving and cleaning up afterwards. I absolutely love to cook and Mark was my best recipe taste tester. Tonight I made dinner for my friends who have been so very supportive of me in the last few months, as a way to say thank you, but more importantly to say I love you. I made them citrus/honey marinated pork roast with blueberry chipolte sauce, lemon pepper orzo, citrus/sesame grilled asparagus, and toasted pound cake with chocolate sauce and strawberries. I had a wonderful time doing it and it felt good to do something so good for people I care about. Every little step helps. Love to you all!

A Time to Remember

On May 11th, I attended a service that Hospice holds once a year called A Time To Remember. I thought I'd share with you all one of the readings from that service that meant a great deal to me:
We Light These Candles

by Nancy Moeller, LSE, CADC


We light these candles for our sadness.

The pain of losing you is intense and

the grief we feel is often hard to handle.

We want you to know

that we miss you so much.



We light these candles for our memories.

There is so much we remember:

your smile, your laugh -

the good time and the bad ones, too,

when we were angry and we were happy -

all those times that

never could have lived with

anyone but you.



We light these candles

for our determination.

Knowing you has brought us strength.

We are changed because of you.

Your life has made a

difference in our lives.

We want you to know that we will

take the energy of your living

to help us move on forward

in our own lives.



We light these candles for our love.

The specialness that we shared with you

can never be replaced.

Our love for you will shine

as brightly as these candles.

We will pass that love on to others

and as we do,

our hearts will smile because of you.

We want you to know

we will always love you.


Rebecca