Mark is always encouraging me to come on here and really let myself express what's inside. I guess that is tonight. I go through every day really rather numb. I am afraid to let anything penetrate the hard shell I have up, because I feel responsible for keeping everything going with no big road blocks. I heard a report tonight on NPR about the professor at the Pittsburgh university that wrote the book called "The Last Lecture" (I think that's it - I apologize if I have it wrong). He was diagnosed with cancer and gave a speech to his class that was later expanded into a book. He refused to discuss his cancer but instead, used the lecture to talk about life and how he learned from all his experiences. His hope was that those who read it or listen would do an inspection of their own lives and perhaps see things that they were grateful for or could change while they still had time. He used many examples. One was about the brick wall. He said that we weren't presented with brick walls to stop us. We were presented with brick walls to test just how badly we wanted to knock them down. Those who were stopped by brick walls didn't really want to defeat them very badly at all. I have a giant brick wall all around me. I keep bumping my forehead against. I can't yet see how do take out the bricks. I don't want to lose my husband. I don't want to keep having birthdays and getting older, because through his having to face his mortality, I am having to face mine. I am afraid. No, I don't think I'm afraid to be alone. I've been there. It's not a great place, but you find that you are much stronger than you think. I'm not afraid that I'll have no one to love me. I know better. I have a beautiful family and God has blessed me with a plethora of wonderful friends. I guess I am afraid I won't be needed anymore and that scares me. I have been fulfilled by being needed and I feel like I won't know what to do with myself.
Okay - that's enough. I almost hope you don't read all the way through this - but it was theraputic to actually write it all down. Maybe Mark was right. I guess I needed it.
He's watching TV- he's had a headache all day and I think he's having more vision problems than he really will admit to me. It's hard now for him to write on here, because I don't think he sees very well. He says he guesses he'll make "guest" appearance on occasion, even though this is his blog. Keep sending your prayers heavenward and keep your good thoughts flowing towards us. We can't have enough!
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4 comments:
One of the things Randy Pausch spoke about in his "One Last Lecture" was "How can I enable the childhood dreams of others?" I'd like to point out that you're trying to do that with me.
That brick wall will probably be too high, but that's not your fault. Never think you aren't helping anybody else.
And if there's nobody handy for you to help, then help yourself. That's probably the hardest thing to do. But your friends and family will appreciate it. Trust me on this.
But all that's in the future. Help yourself to a good night and a good weekend with Mark. You've earned it.
Randy,Rest In Peace, you are one great educator.in the way you lived.My God comfort you family.
Hugs and Gods Blessings - Mike G.said that!
I truly appreciate your candidness. I found your post refreshingly honest and touching. Stephen Levine talks about times like this as "walking on the bottom of the ocean". There are no "one size fits all" instructions. We just have to feel our way through it. You are doing a beautiful, loving job of that.
Much love to you both.
I think you've found the perfect way to get through the brick wall. You are facing your fear and admitting to yourself.
Of course you are frightened. You know what is in your near future.
Consider this: your words here can help others to comprehend what a battle like this is like, and how you get through just one day at a time. And that is certainly something that is needful, because trying to comprehend the all of it at once is so daunting.
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