Morning all! I have always been proud of the fact that I could control myself and my body. It seems to be a pipe dream again. The fall I took was a bad one and I guess you would call it a wake up call. This one really hurt my pride along with my body.I guess what bothers me the most is I had no control what so ever. None. It was less than a split second and I was down for the count.
One of the many things that keeps me going is (was) my ability to think in real time. "I am" never "I was". I never talk in past tense. "I can", never "I could". It's going to be harder to do that now. They will take X-rays today.
I know I am slipping, but it was something I could put in a bottom drawer and deal with quietly by myself. It seems those days are over. I slipped a bit further down that wet rope I am so desperately holding on to. It is so very hard on Rebecca.
I was always the one who provided. Who took the lead. Now, I must follow. Tomorrow I will be in a wheelchair.
Cancer is not only killing me, but slowly stripping me of my Manhood. Who I am. Or was. I must find a way out of this new funk. Any ideas would be helpful.
Peace and Love to all.
Mark
My name is Mark. This is my website. That might sound selfish, but I believe I am entitled to be selfish. Brain Cancer is killing me. I have 12 to 18 months to live. I want to share my thoughts, feelings, fears and anger with you. Maybe it will be enlightening and inspiring to you. I will attempt to daily up-date my struggle, sharing the bad days and the good. If you join me on my journey, perhaps I will feel less alone and afraid as the cancer destroys more and more of me every day.
Mark's Bucket List
Mark wanted to meet Jimmy Buffet, return to Hawaii one last time and see his father once more. While these didn't happen for him, he still had hopes and dreams . . .I do. Do you?
About Mark
- Mark
- Naples, FL, United States
- Mark C. Plotkin 1/21/48 - 12/9/08 Cancer won the fight, but Mark never gave up!
Before Cancer
Here's me before.
December 7, 2008
Mark and His Brother, Jerry - Look at that Smile!
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5 comments:
Mark,
I don't believe that "who you are" is your ability to live without a wheelchair or the things you could do "before". "Who you are" is still there, whole and loving and beautiful. I bet that that "you" is who Rebecca loves.
I am not trying to diminish the frustration and sadness that come with letting go of abilities. Both of my shoulders were frozen two years ago and I could hardly do anything for myself. It was hard on me when I couldn't dress and undress myself. For me, that experience was a little peek of how difficult it is to allow others to care for me.
And as hard as it was, it was also so beautiful. I mean, pride is not all it's cracked up to be. It makes fences between us and others. When I opened up to allowing Mr. Carol For Peace to help in ways that he could, we connected in our hearts.
I hope that I'm not speaking (or writing) when it would be better if I shut up.
Just know that, for months, I've been commenting on the blog of a person of which I had no idea if he walked or wheelchaired, climbed ladders or crawled, pounded nails or painted them. All I can see from here is the love and light of who you really are underneath all of that other stuff.
I hope that you see him too.
Peace & love to you.
How about looking at the wheelchair as the piece of equipment that is going to keep you safe, and keep you mobile. I like to think that there is always a bit of positive in every situation if you can just find it.
But of course I've never been in your situation so I can't really tell you how to feel. Just hang in there and try to find peace.
Take care.
Mark,
No, you're wrong. It's stripping you of your pride. As someone who has been stripped to the bone of my pride I understand, on a rational level, how this is a good thing, but it's very hard to come to believe that on an emotional level.
I had to ask for help again today. It's done; the help was willingly given by kind folks who weren't terribly put out by it, but it still sticks in my throat like a chicken bone. The need to ask has gathered a cloud over my entire day.
Your manhood was never defined by your ability to get around without a wheelchair. It's defined by something far more important: who you are. Remarkably, the only changes I've seen in who you are are positive changes--you've become a better person. In spite of the fear, the pain, the nausea, the loss of function, and on and on, you've actually improved as a person. I don't know many people who can say that.
When you get into that wheelchair, know that it's something only a real man can do. You're sacrificing your pride for something larger than yourself, and for Rebecca, who would certainly give anything to keep you safe. Any idiot can sit down. (Look at me; I'm sitting right now.) You will be doing something incredibly difficult. For that, you should be proud.
mark i sat in a recliner for 7 months i could only stand on one foot everyone had to do the things i once did for myself. i once was a very active person i am now a criple to a point i use a cane i thought i would never walk again as i broke every bone in my foot.went thru a lot of surgery but i put it all in the hands of god and he has me on my feet once again. i still cant stand long . but im thankful im up with the aid of a cane so mark u keep your faith god will prevail. love and prayers to you and rebecca .
love a friend bev
NO! NO! It isn't stripping you of your manhood! Your manhood is based on your character... the inner man. And Mark, cancer can't take that away from you! It can only have it if you give that away. Hold onto your character, your beliefs, your faith, your convictions! That is your manhood! That is YOU! NEVER GIVE UP MARK!!!!
And I see you as one of the strongest men that I have met in a LOOOOONG time. Cancer can weaken the body but not the spirit. And your spirit SHINES!!!
Love to you my friend!
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